Monday, July 12, 2010

On the Wings of Indecision

"I can’t even decide what box I want. See how confused I am? How full of indecision I’ve become?" We stood in the aisle surrounded by round, square, and rectangular boxes with flaps, lids, latches, and handles as I pointed out my obvious wavering to my friend. There were frou-frou boxes covered in scenes from Paris, retro boxes adorned with a lady in a full-skirt dress that looked like she’d stepped out of a 50s magazine, mules with a fluff of fur standing pretty on pink stripes, brilliant red poppies on black, and scenes from the seaside. I loved them all and couldn’t decide which I wanted. I stood in that aisle for a good ten minutes opening and closing boxes, trying to imagine a stack on my desk. MJ offered me a 40% off coupon, listened to my ridiculous complaining about how I seem to have misplaced myself, made sound suggestions, and then walked on leaving me to mull over the choices. In the end, I gave her back the coupon and left without a box.

This is a small view into my current wishy-washy self. I cannot decide who I am or who I want to be. In the past I always knew, I was the daughter of...I was the sister of...I was the wife of...I was the mother of...I lived in the country on a farm in a house built in 1870. Gardening was near the top of my love-to-do list. I decorated our home with antiques, heirlooms and items purchased at antique shops and auctions. Bringing small bits of history back to life thrilled me. Books and reading were an integral part of my life. Yearning for something more so ingrained that I breathed it in and out like the dusty air in the old barn until I nearly choked.

Here I am years later feeling lost after taking a year to find myself in the place of my dreams. I did what I’m guessing most people never have the opportunity to do. I should count myself among the luckiest of lucky, yet I feel as if I’m a teenager who just can’t quite figure life out. It’s ok to be indecisive when you’re 16 or even 26, but eventually shouldn’t I figure this trip out?

Who am I...

I’m a woman
I love my children and grandson
I love my siblings and their families
I adore my friends
I love writing; satisfies my passion
I find freedom in photography
Reading takes me places I could never go
I love to create
I love water: oceans, seas, lakes, and’s where I find serenity
I love flowers
I love flower gardens more than vegetable gardens
Poetry is beauty in words in my microcosm of the world
Music can bring me to my knees
Pretty clothes make me swoon
High heels excite me
Art inspires me
I prefer boutiques and out of the way shops over the mall
Farmers’ Markets are the best way to buy vegetables and fruits in my book
I believe there’s a Zen to baseball, but not basketball
The sexiest thing a man can wear is
a button-down oxford shirt with his sleeves rolled up
I have a paper, pen, and notebook fetish
The color pink enchants me
I want to believe Santa Claus, angels, the Easter bunny, and fairies exist

Where am I in this list of things? How can I love the truly sublime, yet find a fascination with the basest portions of life? Can I be such a juxtaposition of opposites all rolled into one mind, body, and soul? Perhaps it’s just the dark side of me warring with the light. This is why I have two is light and the other can become dark from time to time. I just wish I knew in which camp I truly reside. I’m hoping I’m just like everybody else, layered in experiences, loves, likes, and dislikes. Maybe it’s time to spread my wings and fly once more...I just wish I knew where to.

*Photos taken by me over the weekend outside the Toledo Museum of Art.  The statue is 'Wings' by sculptor Carl Milles, circa 1908.


Mary Jo said...

So raw and real.
Even if you can't figure out "who you are," you sure can express that feeling in words. You nailed it. This is the human condition and I'm sure a lot of people can relate.

OMG! The old film! That was my life! The family Christmas: adults with beer, cigarettes and easy smiles; excited kids walking through cousins and presents. The First Communion:little girl in a frilly white dress and veil; mom all dressed up with her mink stole...(my mom had one just like that!) New Easter outfits complete with hats. Hair in flips. Family vacations at the lake.

Wow...that really took me back.

Marion Williams-Bennett said...

I think it's important to just sit with the juxtaposition, the in between, the not knowing. I think when you can just let yourself be still and not be in search of the answers, the answers will get presented to you.

I do think that when you are feeling this way, you are on the verge of discovery. Just let that in! It's not easy, but I think you have a wonderful sense of yourself, and that this time will lead you to wonderful discoveries.

Men in oxford shirts, sleeves rolled up - oh yes! Have you ever watched Jacques Pepin in a cooking show! Ooooh!

Peace and discovery to you!

Teresa O said...

Mary Jo...hugs and a big thank you! You're a wonderful friend in every way. are such a wise woman. Your words touched me and made me think a bit more. I believe you're right about discovery. Learning and growing is sometimes painful and difficult especially before the discovery is made. Thank you for stopping by with supportive words and thoughts. *Hugs*

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